If you’re anything like me, you’ve been consuming a lot more media during this pandemic, because there’s very little else we can safely do. Luckily, the pandemic has corresponded with the release of the show Community to Netflix. A brief description of a a phenomenal show I highly recommend you watch: the show is about the misadventures of a study group at a community college. The study group is made up of some quirkly characters, including Abed, who is definitely on the spectrum and understands the social world through pop culture, specifically television and movies.
In one episode, the study group is at a party and the pizzas arrive and they have to decide who gets the pizza. Abed points out that by making this decision they are creating different timelines (you know, like Star Trek). The episode shows what would have happened in each timeline, sometimes they fight, sometimes people make out, and then there’s the darkest timeline. In the darkest timeline, a ball falls down, which causes someone to trip, which causes a gun to go off in someone’s purse, somehow there’s a fire too. The timeline the show follows after this episode is a much happier one where everyone starts dancing and having a good time. The show occasionally goes back to the darkest timeline (which may only exist in Abed’s mind) and we see the aftermath of the party is the guy who was shot dies, someone loses an arm in the fire, someone loses their voicebox, the one with the gun in her purse goes insane, and someone else becomes an alcoholic.
Well folks, I have decided that this is the darkest timeline. I mean, I’m sure there’s a darker one, like the Nazi’s could have won WWII, but this is pretty bad. (WWII related side note, my mom recently told me that when my great uncle showed up to the draft office, he was so attractive that the folks there were like wow this kid is hawt! Let’s put him in a uniform for each branch, pick which one is the best thirst trap and have him recruit for that branch for the whole war. Cause you know, everyone will want to look as fly as my great uncle. While this has nothing to do with anything, I just want to 1. write this shit down for posterity and 2. let you all know I have some attracitve genes.) Back to our timeline though. Following basic medical advice during a global pandemic is a politically charged issue. The major leaders of our country will not say that the lives of 13.4% of the people in our country matter. We all decided cause its summer we’re going to forget the pandemic and now we’re in worse shape than when we started. (A 4th of July at home chilling is far superior than a 4th of July in the hospital, wondering if you’re going to die.) The President said liberals are trying to overthrow America. Like I’m barely paraphrasing (Also why didn’t I learn in school that Mt. Rushmore was sacred to the Lakota?) Guys, it’s bad! It’s really, really bad!
Going back to Community and its darkest timeline. The Abed there decides that this must be the darkest of the timelines, dons a black goatee (you know, like Evik Spock in Star Trek), and vows to go to the back to the prime timeline (the one our show follows) and take over their counterparts (you know, like Stark Trek). I thought about doing this, but I encountered a few issues. 1. I don’t know how to go to different timelines. 2. When would be the best time to change things and what should I do. Abolish the Electoral College prior to 2016, prior to 2000? Prevent someone from stepping on a butterfly thousands of years ago. It seems too complex.
Eventually Evil Abed decides to not take over the prime timeline, but rather restore his own timeline. I agree with this because 1. the physics of going to another timeline is currently impossible 2. this is probably the only timeline (as various members of Evil Abed’s study group mention) 3. seems like the right thing to do. Prime Timeline Katie is probably having a kick ass summer in her nice new condo, going to work, going places, seeing people. I’ll let her enjoy it. She freaking deserves it!
I know how I want to restore our timeline and they’re things I’ve discussed before. Wear a mask, stay 6 feet away from people unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s almost never absolutely necessary to be less than 6 feet away from people. Don’t get a haircut. Don’t eat indoors in restaurants. Don’t go to the gym. Don’t go to bars. Vote! Sign petitons demanding justice when injustice exist.
The problem is I cannot make anyone else help me. Everyone has to decide for themselves what actions or inactions they will take to affect the timeline. So let’s try to make some smart decisions people.